In Rice on November 17, 2007 by David

I recently applied for the EMT-Basic class and the Goldwater Scholarship. I didn’t get accepted for either of them. Both times, I thought I had a fairly good chance, both times I was really excited to be part of something bigger. But looking back, I understand why I didn’t get them. I get so nervous during interviews. Interviews are one of the only occasions where I need to use deodorant. I’m not a very sweaty guy: playing sports I’m not even bothered. But interviews psych me out. It’s not the talking to people – I love talking to people and getting to know their perspectives. It’s not wearing more formal clothes – I wore a suit almost every weekend for debate. It’s the wait. The utterly mind-numbing, frantic feeling of powerlessness as I sit there hoping they like me. When I don’t wait very long, I think I perform better. I’m more loose, I’m less worried, and I’m more open. But with the wait, I slowly lose energy. I lose confidence. I really psych myself out with doubts and worries. I really need to improve this. Maybe I should take a sports psychology class, to understand what’s happening. This happens to me in other things too. In basketball games, in competitions, and in debate tournaments, I just don’t perform as well when I hear I’m competing against someone impressive. Often they don’t meet my exaggerated expectations, but I still end up performing below par. I often think, I didn’t go around to scout out the competition, I probably could have beat them/him/her. Why do I falter when I hear greatness?

Yet in the grand scheme of things, these things aren’t that important.  I think God saw my uncertainty about whether I want to pursue research for life. God saw the uncertainty in my heart, and chose the more deserving candidates. I’m a firm believer that God has a plan for me and that it work out in the end. God works in mysterious ways, and in his wisdom, shows us what we should do. But I’m also a firm believer that a good Christian isn’t one that floats by in life. I don’t believe a good Christian is one that accepts everything happens with finality and defeat. From evangelizing to everything else, one should try to be the change one hopes to see in the world.

I believe God sets obstacles in our paths so that we may overcome them, and become better people, better Christians because of it. One of my favorite movies, Batman Begins, had a really good quote. “Why do we fall down, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up again.” These results are beneficial in a way – they have lead to more introspection and more self questioning. Asking myself whether I really want to research, I realize I’m not really sure. I probably won’t apply for Goldwaters again next year, at least until I know better how much and why I love research. But I realize I really do love medicine. I want to get in closer contact with patients and help others in their times of need. That’s why I’m going to keep pursing EMT training. I want to be a helping influence, learn how to react in life-threatening situations, and get a better understanding of the body in a practical sense. It’ll be more hassle, more traveling time, and more inconvenient, but I really want to take the EMT basic course at Houston Community College. It’s good training, something I can probably do if I graduate early and haven’t gone to med school, and just freaking amazing to be on the modern day front line.



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