Archive for the ‘Jokes’ Category

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In flight

In Jokes on December 19, 2009 by David

Dear Mr. Airplane Planner,

Poop on you. I want to take this opportunity to describe a particularly interesting experience that I have had on your wonderful contraption. I believe this experience is not unique to me, as I have shared a few knowing glances with the passengers around me. In a constructive mood, I want to suggest a novel alternative to the current model.

You know what I’m talking about, right? That’s right. We’re on the same wavelength. I’m talking about the raw power – and responsibility – that comes with the reclining chair in the economy section. In particular, the gross abuse of power by the class of passengers I affectionately call Sleeping Beauties.

Ok. Cat’s out of the bag. This is an enormous international problem and we can’t keep putting Band-Aids on this critical issue. This is a topic that’s even bigger than healthcare – after all, it’s international in scope. This is like climate control. Not limited to just domestic flights, I fear what might happen if a Palestinian sleeping beauty sits in front of Israeli diplomat. It’s a ticking timebomb. This is not a Republican issue or a Democratic issue, as the threat of Sleeping Beauties is present in first class as it is in economy class. America is united in this travesty,

Instead of granting every chair have this reclining function, maybe we can have it so that only certain rows can recline. We can have some rows with all reclined chairs and some rows without the reclining function.  At the very least, can we have people sign sworn affidavits, promising not to recline, during check-in?  That way, you don’t pwn the passengers that want to have an upright chair by have to sit behind a Sleeping Beauty. Let’s call this hypothetical passenger “David”. As David sits here typing on his laptop, he is forced to have his monitor lie parallel to the seat in front, a full 45 degrees from the vertical. He looks at the empty space between the upright and outstanding citizen two seats ahead and the Sleeping Beauty right directly in front, and dreams of a more perfect world. With sleeping beauties stacked in front of one another, no space would be wasted and David can get back to critically important task at hand – watching House MD on his computer.

Heck, you can even call these rows “Sleeping Rows” and charge a premium for this special function – with today’s economy, no fee is too draconian, right? After all, reclining is a privilege, not a right. Nowhere in the constitution is there an inalienable right to be at 45 degrees to the vertical. I bet even the most adamant libertarian would recognize the immense social benefit to this radical change, especially after a few flights behind Sleeping Beauty.

That’s right. Be bold. Rock the boat. Dare to be the attendant that proclaims “chairs in full upright position please.” Change the entrenched social perception that upright chairs are for take-off and landing only. WWJD? Not recline. Take a stand, and thousands of road-weary road-warriors will thank you.
An upright citizen,
David Ouyang

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Articles

This article really made me laugh.

In Jokes,Misc.,Rice on October 18, 2008 by David

Rice Students Create Cancer-Fighting Beer,
Become National Heroes

Rice Students Create Cancer-Fighting Beer, Become National Heroes

There’s beer with lime, blueberry flavored beer and even vitamin-packed beer. It was only a matter of time before there was cancer-fighting beer. And of course, college students are responsible for this amazing creation.

A group of Rice University students are genetically engineering a beer that contains resveratrol, a chemical in wine that’s been shown to reduce cancer and heart disease in lab animals. The team of students will enter the “BioBeer” in the upcoming International Genetically Engineered Machine competition. Unfortunately, the actual product is still a ways off, seeing as the students are still working on creating the strain of yeast. But, with the contest less than a month away, they better get going on that super-powered brewski.

For anyone who might hear of the project and wonder why?, I say why not. But there’s more to it than that:

So why would someone want to make beer with resveratrol in the first place? It’s a naturally occurring compound that some studies have found to have anti-inflammatory, anticancer and cardiovascular benefits for mice and other animals. While it’s still unclear if humans enjoy the same benefits, resveratrol is already sold as a health supplement, and some believe it could play a role in the “French paradox,” the seemingly contradictory observation that the French suffer from relatively low rates of heart disease despite having a diet that’s rich in saturated fats.

A healthy beer? Think of the possibilities… forced beer pong matches, doctor recommended beer bongs and even a daily reminder from your parents about whether you did you keg stand for the day.

After all that, cancer will have no choice but to run the other way. Your liver will be shot to hell, but still, you’ll be cancer-free.

Also:

blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/2008/10/biobeer_genetic_resveratrol.php

http://www.rice.edu/nationalmedia/news2008-10-16-beer.shtml

http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2008-10/ru-bbc101608.php

Articles

Some Jokes

In Jokes on March 3, 2008 by David

  • One

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

  • Two

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.

“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We’ll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.

“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”

“I thought it might be an grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”

“Ummm – perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”

  • Three

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second. “That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.

“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.

How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy.
“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.

I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “that’s so ironic” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”